"King of Queens" (7 and 7:30 p.m., WBBM-Channel 2): Back for new season, Doug acquires an ice cream truck. Michael Jackson peers at children through hole in back of truck. (That Michael Jackson bit doesn't really happen. Just joking, ha ha, and thinking of worst-case scenarios for humor.)

"America's Next Top Model" (7 p.m., WGN-Channel 9): In the season ender, femme finalists pull each other's hair and criticize competitors' fingernails in a fight to the death to see who will be America's next forgotten "Top Model." Also kidding about the hair-pulling, fingernail fight. What's true is that two specials -- encapsulated versions of the British "Top Model" -- will air from 7 to 9 p.m. next Wednesday and the week after.

"Twentyfourseven" (9:30 p.m., MTV): Seven young contestants compete in a reality show to become famous in Hollywood as a club promoter, director, musician and so on. But if they made the audition cut through MTV, aren't they already D-listers? MTV should just make a show about all the auditions it holds. That's where the wheat's chaffed.

Doug Elfman